Will Hahn

Yeah. “What the hell Will?” You must be thinking. Hear me out though.

I have been listening to this song and in the heat of my Star Wars delusions each line is just making me think of the Emperor in a montage sequence building the Death Star. In overalls. Or maybe those jeans with straps, you know what they’re called! Without further ago I present the lyrics, with my own incredibly geek interpretations.

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

We all know the Emperor was a man obsessed with fear. Spreading it, nurturing it in the hearts of people throughout the Empire. He may have not been able to lift a Star Destroyer with barely a cough of effort but he was a master manipulator. When he’d taken control of the galaxy all he could think about was instilling more fear and getting rid of those pesky rebels. Still, a bit The Shining of him to write it four times.

But it’s gonna take money

A whole lotta spending money

It’s gonna take plenty money

To do it right child

We don’t really know how much it cost (unless someone has worked it out based on Imperial currency re-enactment - and Hoth knows somebody has) but it cannot have been a cheap job (apart from the defence systems!). A lot of money went into R&D to develop a new weapons system to destroy entire planets, as well as link several hyperdrive systems for a space station. Not to mention the labour costs - although I doubt the Emperor was pro-unionisation. Still, the fact that it took about 20 years to develop and build, based off Luke Skywalker’s age, means that the costs must have spiralled out of original estimates. So I suppose something in Star Wars was realistic. And that last line? Well I’ve already said how Palpatine was obsessive, so you can just imagine him calling the Death Star his “baby”. Ooh, you are the cutest weapon of mass destruction aren’t you? Oooh yes you are! Coochy coochy coo.

It’s gonna take time

A whole lotta precious time

It’s gonna take patience and time

To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it

To do it right child 

What did I tell you about the Emperor calling the Death Star his baby!? See, now I feel totally vindicated. And it DID take time, about 20 years of development and construction… though that didn’t exactly do it right. The first Death Star had very obvious thermal exhaust flaws, but at least the scientific minds did make improvements on the plans initially written by Geonosian technicians. As we all know, the second Death Star was a great improvement and had many millions of tiny exhaust ports in order to prevent a teenage with an X-Wing from destroying it again. Too bad they didn’t account for Ewoks. Patience is a virtue after all. Especially as people kept trying to sabotage its construction!

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

I got my mind set on you

And this time I know it’s for real

The feelings that I feel

I know if I put my mind to it

I know that I really can do it

We can only assume here that the Emperor was talking about the second Death Star, that he can finally really do it and make a Death Star both much larger (900km in diameter) than the first (160km in diameter) and become fully operational when it wasn’t even complete! That’s some achievement. There were many improvements over the original, including a much greater amount of turbolasers and the ability to fire more than once every 24 hours (or “Earth hours” in other less-imaginative science-fiction).

So there we go. Straight from The Emperor’s mind (through his minion George Harrison) to your ears. The song goes on but it’s just a repetition of the earlier lyrics. The Emperor mustn’t have had much to do when he took control other than try to hold on to it, destroy rebel scum and pick out his favourite black robe - apart from casual Fridays when he wore speedos and a wicker hat.

I leave you now with the video of this song, just TRY and watch the video and not imagine Emperor Palpatine sitting in his chair on the second Death Star, or actually building the Death Star in jean overalls in the style of an 80s montage video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_niy2ZM5Jo